Stress Relaxation
by Kribu
Summary: Juggling two boyfriends, one of whom doesn't know about the other, is hard. And stressful. Skulduggery has a solution to Valkyrie's problems. Valkyrie/Skulduggery/Fletcher/Caelan.


A/N: The blame for this goes to the Pairings thread on the Skulduggery Pleasant forums. Please forgive me, but once the idea entered my head, I had to write _something_.

If this had happened in_ Death Bringer_, it would have had a rather different ending, I suspect. I think we can all be glad it's Derek Landy writing the series and not me.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or settings. Derek Landy does. I just take them out to, um, play sometimes.

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><p>You know,' Skulduggery mused, 'if you absolutely must keep the vampire around, there <em>would<em> be a simple way for you to stop worrying about sneaking behind your boyfriend's back with him. Fletcher is going to find out sooner or later anyway.'

Valkyrie sighed. 'I know. I've been hoping it's later rather than sooner.' She paused, only now registering what else Skulduggery had said. 'A simple way?'

'Yes.' He shrugged. 'A threesome.'

'_What?'_

'A threesome. One girl, two boys.' He tilted his head. 'Don't tell me you haven't heard of such things.'

'Well, yes,' Valkyrie sputtered. 'But…'

'But what?'

'But…' She paused again, giving the idea some thought. 'Well, I haven't actually… You know.'

'Done it before?'

'Well, yes. I mean no. No, I haven't.'

Skulduggery shrugged, the movement dragging Valkyrie's gaze to his broad, if bony shoulders. 'It's not that hard. A few more limbs to keep count of, but once you get into it, it's fun. Quite a bit of fun, as I recall.' His voice took on a wistful tone.

'But… How would I even convince them? It's not like Fletcher knows about Caelan! I mean, he knows about Caelan, but he doesn't know about me and Caelan. I think. I hope.' _And that's the way I want to keep it_, she added to herself. _Except, well… _The idea was tempting. Two pretty boys, one light and one dark, both besotted with her… Tempting, yes. But also so awkward. Too awkward.

'You wouldn't have to tell them. You could just arrange a meeting with each, making sure they're both at the same place at the same time.'

Valkyrie raised an eyebrow. 'And that would lead to bloodshed. At best. I mean, I can't just blithely inform them why they're there! And why am I even talking to you about this as if I was actually considering it? And more to the point, why are _you_ trying to talk me into this? Shouldn't you be telling me to keep away from both of them?'

He leaned back in his armchair, his long legs casually stretched out in front of him. 'You've been under a lot of stress lately. It's interfering with your work. And if you're old enough to juggle two boyfriends, you're old enough for other things.'

Valkyrie shook her head. This had to be a dream. A nightmare. No, a dream. The thoughts he was putting in her head were too tempting for this to be a nightmare. But it couldn't be happening for real, she was certain of that. Not Skulduggery, not when advising her to have a threesome with a Teleporter and a vampire!

Maybe it _was_ real, though. Skulduggery certainly looked real, so comfortable and relaxed in his favourite armchair. Maybe it _was_ real, and he _was_ actually insane. She'd have suspected drugs, but Skulduggery didn't do drugs. At least Valkyrie didn't think he did. It would have been physically impossible for him, wouldn't it?

She shook her head, trying to clear her mind.

'Look, it's just… No. No. It wouldn't work. It's too awkward.'

He gave another shrug. This time his shoulders barely moved, but she noticed it anyway.

She was noticing entirely too many things about Skulduggery these days. She really didn't need that added complication. Juggling two boys was more than enough to keep her hands full. Damn that skeleton; him discussing her sex life so casually wasn't exactly helpful either.

'Would it make it less awkward if you had someone else there to hold your hand and guide you through it?' he asked, his velvet voice completely calm and normal. 'Someone to make sure that the boys behave?'

Okay, this had to be a dream. Insane or not, no way was Skulduggery suggesting what she thought she just heard him suggest.

Well, if it really was a dream… She could play along with him in a dream, couldn't she?

'Someone to join in and show how these things are done?' she asked. She wasn't too bothered about the blush she felt creeping up her cheeks.

Skulduggery adjusted his tie. 'It might be useful. After all, you did say you've never done it.'

Valkyrie grinned.

x

So it hadn't been a dream after all. Okay. This really was awkward.

Skulduggery was draped on the sofa in Gordon's mansion – they'd agreed on that being the best place for the _stress relaxation_, as Skulduggery had put it, with the understanding that Gordon would be shut into his secret room and not know about it; as open as she'd always been with her dead uncle, there were some things she wasn't willing to discuss with him – and dangling his pocket watch between his long gloved fingers.

Valkyrie gave him a sidewards glance. 'Look, Skulduggery…'

He tilted his head. 'If you don't want to go through with this, we don't have to.' He checked the time. 'It's too late to tell them to forget about coming here, though. They should be here any minute.'

She'd told Caelan to arrive five minutes before Fletcher, hoping that Caelan, not being the "official" boyfriend, would be easier to convince first.

But really… This was not a good idea. This had stopped being a good idea the moment she'd realised that it hadn't been a dream after all, and that she'd just agreed to having an… an… An orgy. In Gordon's mansion. With Fletcher and Caelan and Skulduggery. Involving, um, well, whatever orgies involved. She'd tried to read up on them, but the information that Google had so kindly provided had been enough to make her close the browser window very quickly. (And sneak a look at the browser history again, later, when she'd had some time to think about it. But she wasn't about to admit that to anyone.)

And yet.

She ran a hand through her hair. This was really not a good idea. Except that her body told her otherwise and she couldn't help but be curious.

Not that it would actually work. Fletcher and Caelan would just try to kill each other. At least she had Skulduggery there, sharply dressed as usual, ready to interfere if things got too out of hand.

Things. In hand. Out of hand.

No, her mind did _not_ just go there. Not that her mind, and other parts of her, hadn't gone there before, but only with one boy (_or skeleton, at least in her dreams_, her treacherous mind reminded her) at a time.

She buried her face in her hands when she heard a knock on the door.

'That would be the vampire,' Skulduggery said helpfully. 'Should I get the door or will you?'

'I think I should,' she muttered. This was it, then. The moment when she had to decide what to tell Caelan. She could just tell him she'd invited him over to break up with him. That would be the easiest thing to do. The most sensible thing to do, certainly.

She opened the door. 'Hi, Caelan.'

x

Caelan, stark naked already, was still scowling, but apparently Skulduggery's presence had convinced him that (a) she was serious, and (b) if he wanted to have any chance with some _stress relaxation_ with Valkyrie again, he'd have to play along. Valkyrie had made it very clear that it was either this or that it would be over between them.

She was glad Skulduggery was there. It kept Caelan's whining to a minimum, compared to his usual lovesick tirades. God, if he only wasn't so damn pretty, it would have been so much easier to just dump him!

Fletcher had taken more convincing. It helped that Skulduggery had brought a few sets of handcuffs along, as he'd tried to Teleport away the moment he saw Caelan. At least this way they could sit him down and have him listen to the whole idea.

Fletcher, who was in the process of shedding his clothes, was scowling, too, but also sneaking glances at Caelan, whenever he thought no one was watching. _Interesting,_ Valkyrie thought.

Skulduggery – still fully dressed – was grinning, as usual. Well, it had been his idea…

It came as a shock, the realisation that she'd been played. It had been his goal all along, hadn't it? Oh, that sneaky old pile of bones. Of course, he hadn't exactly forced her to agree, and if she was completely honest with herself, now that she had all her boys here in one room, including her skeletal mentor, it really hadn't been a bad idea at all.

x

Uncle Gordon had really good taste in furniture, Valkyrie thought, stretched out on the luxurious bed that nearly filled the master bedroom. It's almost as if this room had been designed for the sort of activities she and her three boys – well, one boy, one vampire and one skeleton – had been engaged in for the last four hours. Four and a half hours, even, as a quick look at the wall clock confirmed.

And, she had to admit, Skulduggery's guidance had been invaluable. There really were a lot of limbs involved. She didn't want to think how tangled they might have all got if he hadn't been there, telling them what to put where and when to do it, never mind the glorious moments when he'd actually demonstrated this or that to the boys.

At least she had a very good idea now what those sharp suits and gloves had always been hiding. The thought made her grin.

She turned, letting her gaze rest on the heap of heads – blond, dark and gleaming white – on the pillows next to her.

'Should we do it again some day?'

The question was met with unanimous agreement.

Stress relaxation, indeed.


End file.
